February 2009 – Hopeful Romantics

You Can Strike Cello Scrotum from Your Worry List

Finally, the truth can be known. There is no such thing as Cello Scrotum. Thirty Four years later we learn that Baroness Elaine Murphy and Husband John, made up the disease as a joke, after hearing about Guitarist’s Nipple, which is an authentic disease.

Murphy, who is now a member of the British House of Lords, fabricated the disease, claiming it was ball chafe caused by placing a cello between your legs. Guitarist Nipple, on the other hand, is inflammation of the nipples, caused by pushing the guitar against your chest. The original paper, declaring the existence of the dreadful cello scrotum was actually published in the prestigious British Medical Journal. What do they know?

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As the Murphy’s attest, anyone who actually watches a musician play the cello will realize that the dreaded cello never becomes intimate enough with the scrotum to cause chafing.

So we can relaxe now and breathe easy. It is safe once again to visit music stores without worry whether the cello will jump off the wall and have a go at your scrotum. As for your women, I suppose you never did have anything to worry about. Not even when the hoax was for real.

Barbie is Now the Older Woman

It was announced that Barbie is fifty-years-old. She is looking pretty good for fifty, considering all the changes she has been through over the years. She stays trim, colors her hair so nicely; go figure that she is ready for her AARP card. According to an article in Media Post, Mattel will be offering a whole raft of celebrations in honor of its famous doll. There will be fashion shows, assorted partnerships, and a real life dream house.

Is Barbie something special? Yes, she really is. She is an icon a mixed metaphor of American prosperity and indulgence. She is romantic, a symbol of how things should be in life. Of course, when you are Barbie, you will never experience the difficult times of an economic downturn. Unless Mattel develops a marketing strategy behind it, you will never see Barbie in rags, clipping coupons, asking for federal assistance.

Perhaps the most tell-tale sign of Barbie’s worldwide popularity is the time right before the fall of Eastern or Communist Germany. East Germans were given money by the West Germans for a rare acrosss the border shopping trip. For the East Germans, it was going from a place with barely the necessities and few options, to a land of surplus and many different options. What did they buy? They bought Barbie Dolls. Barbie Dolls were the biggest seller.
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We have joked about Barbie, made fun of her and her boyfriend, Ken. We have seen Barbie manifest herself in many different personalities, and a plethora of outfits. Dress her up, dress her down; she is still Barbie. And Barbie is part of our history, like Mickey Mouse, and Luke Skywalker. She is at the place in our culture where fiction intersects with our dreams and forms a working reality. She is part of us. She is timeless.

We will never see Barbie in a scandal. She will never be arrested for drunken driving or taking drugs. She will never go out with the wrong guy, get knocked up, and then make the tabloids in some sleazy divorce. She will never wrinkle with age, and we will never wonder what lubricants she uses for post-menopausal encounters. She will never smell, and she will never get sick on us. In turn, we will never get sick of her.

She is a winner, and America loves its winners. Happy Birthday, Barbie.

Picking on Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps smoked some marijuana. That’s right. Hard to believe isn’t it, that a 23 year-old man actually huffed some grass through a bong. But, nevertheless, there you are. The record breaking winner of an unprecedented eight Olympic gold medals sometimes likes to toke down a bowl.

For this, Kellogg will not renew his contract. Kellogg, founded in the nineteenth century by renowned nut job and corn flakes manufacturer, John Harvey Kellogg, will allow Phelps’ contract to expire, which is due to happen shortly. If you think Kellogg, the man, was just another cereal guy, read his writings sexuality and the ways to prevent masturbation, install cages around the organs, and what he deemed as other nasty habits. I think most agree that his recommendation he apply carbolic acid to the clitoris in order to prevent sexual arousal is just a wee bit over the top. You can think that one over when you chow down on your next bowl of Corn Flakes.

Subway, on the other hand, will stand by the star swimmer, perhaps let a little time transpire before using Phelps to promote their sub sandwiches. I suppose the powers that be at Subway assume the public will be forgiving for Phelps’ great transgression. That or they will attract the stoner crowd who after a few bong hits of their own will get the munchies and march on down for the foot long special

By comparison, Bernard Madoff just took off his trusting clients for something like $50 Billion, one of a number of Ponzi schemes beginning to surface. Madoff ruined people, took every last dime, stole their retirement money, and ripped off foundations and charities. Considering also, that there are those in Wall Street on just drove the country into the ground, who also ruined retirement funds and countless businesses, Michael Phelps’ great transgression seems to pale by comparison.

I am not one to do drugs, nor am I one to promote them. I do, however, believe we should strive to retain a sense of proportion, and with the nation suffering from economic recession, this is no time to nullify our heroes for something this inconsequential, or, for that matter, something so common. If anything, we should suppress a yawn, rather than demonstrate our righteous indignation.
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Millions of people in this country smoke grass. We can rail about it, thump our self-righteous doctrines all day long, but at the end of that day a good many younger people will join a good many older people in taking a hit on their favorite bong. In places like California, if smoking marijuana isn’t legal, it is about as close as you can be without a full declaration. Over all, except for places where the ever vigilant South Carolina sheriff who has threatened to prosecute Michael Phelps for his heinous acts, nobody really cares much about who is smoking marijuana.

But yet we have another big stink, and the stink clouds one of our greatest sports performers, not in a sweet and funky haze of grass, but over something that perhaps could have been ignored. Granted, Phelps was stupid for smoking and risking his endorsements. But he is a kid, after all, and if kids don’t have the latitude to be at least somewhat foolish, then who does?

As for Kellogg, if it had any sense it would let the matter pass and continue to use Phelps as its spokesman. Perhaps it is its heritage that keeps it from doing so. Perhaps having a sexually repressed individual who was phobic about smoking, drinking, just about everything but corn flakes, peanut butter and enemas, can prevent an evolved company from perceiving how little the bong hit matters to the world.

In fact, it may even be prudent for Kellogg or some other company to feature Phelps on the cover of its package, bong in hand. There is a strong enough demographic, a target market, if you will, to make a case for a more liberal minded presentation. Perhaps they would see even more cereal in a down market. That would be something. Just think what it may do to their thinking. They might even need a bong hit, just to come down from the shock.